Is it Becoming or Revealing?

An Exploration of Transformation and the Revelation of Wholeness

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I’ve felt tension lately within the language of “becoming a better version of me.”
I’m not sure where this tension is coming from, but when I have those feelings of disconnection, I try to sit with them and ask, “why does this bother me?” There is always something to explore in those places and within those answers.

Taking this question forward started with another question actually.

Doesn’t “becoming” imply that there is an actual end, a “you have arrived” moment?

If I am becoming, and have been for years, when does it end and how would I actually know when I’ve met the criteria for that distinction?

As a person who learned obedience early in my life, it seems to me that the answer to that question is “when you’re perfect.” And that’s where my hope deflates because I’m not perfect and even “perfect” as a standard is even more abstract than “becoming”. What is the standard of perfection? Who decided what was perfect? How do I know if what I am doing and who I am becoming is headed forward in that direction?

In my own journey toward what I felt was “becoming,” I’ve often felt divided, like two versions of me were seeking purchase: the woman I was and the woman I wished to be. The woman present amongst the two but neglected or maybe lost in the tug-of-war, was who I AM...now. In this present moment. I was always looking in the gap between the lack of “enoughness” of my past self and the perfection of my future self. Operating in the gap between without acknowledging the reality of who I am brought stagnancy, disappointment, and insecurity within my own skin. I felt too much and not enough simultaneously because I was bringing versions of myself that do not exist and placing them as a veil over who I am now.

I felt this was the price to pay to become who I wanted to be: don’t do the things my past self did and do the things that my future self would.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the narrative of who I AM.

Then, it led to a second question. “What am I seeking by “becoming”? Is “perfection” the destination? My answer has been- I am seeking to remove what was never meant to be a part of me to begin with and add what I don’t currently have. This framework led me to believe I always lacked something; I was never finished. IT was never finished.

In my own journey, I have been questioning the trajectory of my life against what Jesus came for: to bring life and life abundantly. His words on the cross were, “it is finished.” So, why do I feel so incomplete? If a thriving life was one of the reasons why he came 2000 years ago, why do I live as if it’s something to strive for? Why am I living as if me becoming someone else, someone new, is what brings the thriving life? How can I truly thrive in a mentality of “lack?”

I attend a church that speaks on the finished work of Jesus beautifully. They speak that we are loved and there is nothing we can do about it. They speak that Jesus loves every.single.person (whether they choose him or not) and revealed the heart of God to humanity through Jesus. They speak that we are as whole, worthy, righteous, and enough as we will ever be; we lack nothing. They speak that our wholeness is true regardless of our belief; our belief just makes it true...for us.

When looking at “becoming” through this lens: a lens that quite honestly...feels more real, true, and honest than any I’ve heard, I believe it’s the juxtaposition of these 2 places that my tension rests.

This lens of wholeness offers a far truer question:

How can I “become” who I have always been?

If the lens of wholeness is the truth, then is it really a becoming, or is it a revealing of what has always been true?

What if becoming is just the experience of revealing? That it’s less about the doing, the striving, the filling of what’s lacking, and shaving what’s too much. Maybe it’s bringing our present self, our I AM into the conversation to reveal what’s true now, finding there is no gap. There is no lack. There is no more or less needed to reach wholeness.

Maybe “becoming” isn’t a journey toward wholeness…
but the slow surrender of everything that told me I wasn’t already there.

I don’t know if landing on a solid answer is the point of this writing. Maybe I’m finding the peace to rest in the tension and find I AM within it.

In His Love,

Ashleigh